Thursday, February 05, 2009

Finding the Voice

I had a rough morning. I am getting so tired of the bickering, the whining, the fighting. That's a lot of "ing" are some more: I am yelling, swearing, sighing, being sarcastic, losing my temper. I even screamed so loud this morning that I hurt my throat and couldn't talk for a while. That's embarrassing to admit, but we have a two story house and sometimes, if I'm in my very insulated room picking up clothes and I hear the kids downstairs, I have to scream to be heard...

I know that it's the weather. I know that it's the winter and that the kids need breaks from each other and from ME. BUT, that doesn't mean it makes it any easier to get through these doldrums days.

Tonight, I was going to drop Weazy at choir for the first time and then drive to the city to meet some bloggers but cancelled that when I got Butch's new prescriptions that I had to fill and some other errands that I had to run. I figured Weazy would like it if I picked her up on her first night.

I guess God thinks He is being funny or something.

When I dropped her off, the choir director hinted that the adult choir meets at the very same time upstairs and maybe I would consider joining? I seriously thought about it but had to run my errands. I went upstairs anyway and ran into an old pal and I really enjoyed chatting with her. I thought, "Maybe I'll just skip the choir thing. It's probably not meant to be." and ran my errands but had time to mess around at church anyway. I thought, "Maybe I'll just go into the adoration chapel until Weazy is finished." but I had to go past the choir and they looked like they were having a good time so...I guess I'm in choir now!

They were so very welcoming and sweet (and FUNNY!). I think it will be a little bit of a challenge to sing alto, but they need altos, I guess so alto it is! Weazy loved choir and so did I (even for the little bit of time I was there). I also signed up for an adoration hour a couple of weeks ago (I took some time off for Tommy) so if you have any special requests, I'll be praying every Thursday 1am!

Look at me, all churchified and community-ing again. I know I'll run into my arch enemies from time to time (people who annoy me and don't like me very much), but I think I can hack it now.

I came home to find out that Tommy had learned to wave and say something sounding like "Hi!".

I was really happy and felt good about life for a little while.

Then, the other shoe dropped.

Here's the update for Michael Talley:

Michael and I met with Dr. Olsen this morning. He is awarded the best ENT in America for 2007 & 2008. He had Michael go through another MRI this afternoon and will be having a biopsy in AM. He is looking to see how extensive a surgery would be. He knows that the tongue, voice box, lymph nodes, tonsil and wall of larynx would have to be removed but would like to see if this would buy Michael more time. There is no cure and if we did this extensive surgery he would need to also complete a three Chemo regimen afterwards. He also said due to this surgery chances of infection or even dieing on the operating table is very possible. If we let the cancer run its course and treat symptoms we may have 6-12 months. We may get one more Christmas. The options are not curable but it is so hard to decide not to do anything. The trach is permanent along with the feeding tube. With surgery he will never talk again. From last treatments his swallowing ability is gone he will never eat again. We don't want him to suffer. God please guide us , give us the answers we seek. We think of our 4 children and our life, we have waited so long to have together and we just can't even imagine not being with one another. We are so in love. this is not fair. The doctors give us no hope. We will go back home tomorrow and if we decide any treatments it will be close to home. Our doctors are aware and are waiting, to help in anyway they can. Love Michael and Nicole. PS Jeremy and Carrie hold our little ones tight tonight.

I think I know what God wants me to do here. I'm just sorry that He has to clobber me over the head time after time. I think he's telling me to pray and make sacrifices for someone who won't ever get a chance to sing in the choir, or shout with joy at a football game, hoot with laughter about something funny his baby just learned, yell at his kids, or maybe even live to watch them grow.

Please, God, have MERCY on me, a fallen, awful sinner.

PLEASE GOD! Have mercy on Michael and grant him healing and peace.