Friday, December 12, 2008

Bittersweet Times

Some people very close to me have recently announced their pregnancies (when I'm allowed, I'll let you know who they are!)!

I am so so so sooooo happy for them but always, with that wonderful happiness, there is potential for such great sorrow. It's so hard (especially this time of year) to think about that profound sadness and how to make happy Christmas memories out of it all. I have a picture of myself from the Christmas '01. I was on the couch completely miserable with morning sickness, watching the kids open their presents. Two days later I started to lose my fourth baby (early miscarriage). I look bloated, unhealthy, and unhappy. I looked that way because I WAS all those things. I almost threw that picture away about 10 times because it's not a happy memory and I think I knew at that time that something was not quite right. I'd rather just throw away the whole memory all together but that would mean that I'd have to forget my CHILD. How could I do that? As painful as those memories are (I lost another baby a few months later). I force myself to revisit them so that those babies are prayed for and aren't forgotten.

I don't mention these things often and I've had a hard time "naming" or grieving my babies because it seems like such a private thing. Sometimes when I'm talking about it, I get embarrassed like I'm maybe embarrassing the person I'm talking to because they don't know how to react to sad news like that, so then I change the subject and shove it in the back of my mind again. Do you know what I mean? I hope not, because that means you've had that loss too and it's so wretchedly awful on so many levels.

Please, if you have a moment, could you say a prayer for my friend and her family this Christmas? That's all. They need some spiritual support and I can't think of a better way than to send earnest prayers to Heaven that their hearts are lightened despite their GREAT LOSS.

Thank you.