Like that guy who smashed his plane into the IRS building, or that woman who's been crazy for years, finally freaking out and killing some of her fellow professors at that college...everyone has that tipping point...although, some people go WAY too far and can never turn back (because of jail or killing themselves).
I would never go that far into making life miserable for any other person, but I get to where I make life more miserable for myself once in a while. I know that some people would call it "depression" but I just call it "this thing". It's "this thing" that gets to me and makes me snap and yell at everyone until I realize it's my own attitude, mood, and reaction to NORMAL things that is making me feel sorry for myself and all pitiful. I have to go into a corner and cry for a while and get all red-eyed and puffy faced. I pray for God to take away that suffering, like a wimpy little brat, then I suffer for a little while more, look at my wretched face in the mirror and start laughing.
I guess that's the point where God must have heard my prayers and said, "You sick, foolish thing. Clean yourself up. You look ridiculous and you're not doing yourself, or anyone else any good!".
This thing happens to me once during the beginning of pregnancy and sometimes once, directly after. I know it's mostly hormonal changes that trigger it, duh, but that knowledge doesn't really matter at the time. In fact, when I'm pregnant, I can allow myself to feel even MORE sorry for myself (instead of embracing the suffering for people who can't have children), which leads to more of this thing until I erupt in that mushy, sad, crapsack of a girl who can't utter a coherent sentence when someone asks her "What's wrong?". It's always exacerbated by external things, like family who disappoints, world events, and mainly; money issues (mostly of my own making and disorganized nature).
So, how do I counter this thing? I have no idea. After the last breakdown (in December, I think), I had a very wonderful feeling of peace. I still have the aches, pains, and complaints of every day life, but they don't effect me, emotionally, as much and I feel a peace in my heart (how girly, I know) that I can't explain, other than to think that maybe God is answering someone else's prayers for me and making me handle things a little more like a sane person.
(I don't call myself the "crazymama" for nothin'!)
Okay, now for the funny part. I woke up in the middle of the night (just like every night, around 3 am. I have a funny feeling that God always is trying to tell me something and that that's why I always wake up at that time. I usually wake up in a cold sweat, or jerk awake from some disturbing dream, or hearing my name being called), went downstairs to the couch, and I turned on the tv and drifted in and out of sleep. At one point, I woke up, and saw this, and couldn't wait to write about it. It was, quite possibly, the funniest thing I've ever seen in the wee hours:
It was an infomercial for male enhancement. I know that that, right there, is funny enough (how could anyone fall for that? Why don't I invent a "magic pill" that can take away wrinkles and make your hips smaller and your boobs bigger? It would be just as believable!) but this one showed a quick picture with a tiny caption right after the lady hawking the thing said something about how depressing it is for the man to not feel "up to snuff in that area". It looked something like this:
It took me a minute before I realized what the commercial was for and why the caption struck me as so dang funny! See, I like to read the fine print under a photo or at the bottom of the screen for those weirdo infomercials in the middle of the night. My favorite one is always "results not typical, you should not expect the same results". THAT one always kills me! Why would you even bother with the whole, flipping commercial if no one should expect the exact result that you are touting? Sales and marketing people absolutely fascinate me.
Okay, back to that teeny photo and teeny caption. Here's what it read:
*Actual Hopelessness
SERIOUSLY! I started laughing until I had a choking fit and had to get up and get a drink of water. I'm going to think about that photo and caption, every time I feel myself sinking into that pit of self-sorrow and I KNOW I will be lifted up, INSTANTLY. I always KNEW there was a reason God always woke me up in the middle of the night...I just never thought it would be an infommercial for male enhancement.
