Did you ever just feel like a dang dog some days? Not a nice, fluffy, pampered richie dog but a street dog with matted hair and a mangy attitude? "Poor Me" has been my attitude for most of this summer. Every day I try to stick to the schedule and live and appreciate the moment but, all along, the underlying worries fill the back of my mind and come creeping out at night. I don't get any sleep most nights.
Just when I think we can maybe see the light of day, some family thing blows up or Butch's elbow blows up (which was the case last week...he's better now but the damage is done with one whole week of no income) and I'm ready to slink into the gutter or snatch up the whole family and move to some Amish community in Canada and hide out for the rest of our lives.
Of course, if we lived incognito and separated ourselves from society, I couldn't share things like this with you:
And we would lose contact with the friends, family, and really awesome neighbors and I don't think I can survive without them.
I'm really tired of trying to arrange the days to keep everyone happy and healthy. I'm tired of not being able to keep up with the repairs, messes, and maintenance that this life requires. I hate living in "bare minimum" mode and I feel like I'm failing to make this house a home. Having a new baby is always stressful (and joyful, don't get me wrong!) but it's particularly stressful in the summer months when the older kids really want to go and DO things but I really need them to help out around the house and I have trouble finding friends for them to hang out with that aren't already occupied with their own family fun.
Now, I have to get into "school mode" and that is terrifying to me, as I don't know how I'm going to pay just bills, much less a whole bunch of school materials costs.
I know, it's a huge debbiedowner (whonk whonk whonk whooooooonk) post, but I DID put the blissfully unaware, happy baby video in there, right?
Don't worry, I know how much WORSE things can be. I know of a lot of sick/dying people and of miserable problems that so many people around me are suffering. It sure doesn't make me feel any better. It really just makes me feel a lot worse about the state of humanity and the point of all of this.
Maybe I'll feel better by the next post...but probably not.
